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Is
This The One?
by
Curt Degenhart
What's
a reliable way to know if someone's right for you? There
isn't one. How do you know for sure if you're ready
to settle down? Who knows? Believe me, I've been trying
to figure out these issues for myself for some time
now, and it is difficult. Who hasn't had a nagging feeling
like, "Is this the one for me?" Maybe you've got a great
relationship going until you finally get down to the
decision to move in together. Then you get weak-kneed,
anxious, and stressed. Or what about marriage: "Oh my
god! Marriage! Is that where we're headed?"
Here's
a question from a MatchScene reader that really addresses
the sticky situation of trying to decide whether a lover
is the right one:
Mensch_Wench
writes: "I'm supposed to be engaged. I'm living with
the guy and we'll get married. We're both 50 so I guess
it's just routine, but, as I keep telling him, I don't
marry every guy I date, so this is a big deal for me.
I can't tell if I'm suffering from settling-down fever
and I'm not used to it or if he really isn't it. I want
something to happen soon. When I ask, he says, "Of course..."
It's obvious to him that we're it, together, forever,
etc. So why am I still reading Match.Com and why am
I writing this note?"
Move
up the Commitment Ladder
OK,
Mensch_Wench, here's the deal. It isn't clear to you
that you and your fiancé are "it, together, forever."
That doesn't mean that he's not the one for you. It
just means that it isn't obvious to you. Let me just
say here that this uncertainty in the face of increasing
levels of commitment is common. In fact, your future
husband might at this very moment be wondering, "Is
she the one for me? What horrible feelings! I can't
let her know my doubt!"
For
many of us, each step up the commitment ladder is tough--whether
it is marriage, deciding to move in together, or even
deciding to date just one person. As you point out,
you don't marry every guy you date and that this is
a "big deal" for you. And it should be. Even at age
50, marriage is never "just routine."
Sometimes
the Most Wonderful Things Aren't Initially Clear to
Us
So
how do you decide which it really is: "settling down
fever" or wondering whether "he really isn't it?"
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