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Is This The One?

by Curt Degenhart

What's a reliable way to know if someone's right for you? There isn't one. How do you know for sure if you're ready to settle down? Who knows? Believe me, I've been trying to figure out these issues for myself for some time now, and it is difficult. Who hasn't had a nagging feeling like, "Is this the one for me?" Maybe you've got a great relationship going until you finally get down to the decision to move in together. Then you get weak-kneed, anxious, and stressed. Or what about marriage: "Oh my god! Marriage! Is that where we're headed?"

Here's a question from a MatchScene reader that really addresses the sticky situation of trying to decide whether a lover is the right one:

Mensch_Wench writes: "I'm supposed to be engaged. I'm living with the guy and we'll get married. We're both 50 so I guess it's just routine, but, as I keep telling him, I don't marry every guy I date, so this is a big deal for me. I can't tell if I'm suffering from settling-down fever and I'm not used to it or if he really isn't it. I want something to happen soon. When I ask, he says, "Of course..." It's obvious to him that we're it, together, forever, etc. So why am I still reading Match.Com and why am I writing this note?"

Move up the Commitment Ladder

OK, Mensch_Wench, here's the deal. It isn't clear to you that you and your fiancé are "it, together, forever." That doesn't mean that he's not the one for you. It just means that it isn't obvious to you. Let me just say here that this uncertainty in the face of increasing levels of commitment is common. In fact, your future husband might at this very moment be wondering, "Is she the one for me? What horrible feelings! I can't let her know my doubt!"

For many of us, each step up the commitment ladder is tough--whether it is marriage, deciding to move in together, or even deciding to date just one person. As you point out, you don't marry every guy you date and that this is a "big deal" for you. And it should be. Even at age 50, marriage is never "just routine."

Sometimes the Most Wonderful Things Aren't Initially Clear to Us

So how do you decide which it really is: "settling down fever" or wondering whether "he really isn't it?"


Mix 'n Match Copyright (c) 2001 Inc.

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